Hearing the Message Behind the Words: A Guide to Emotional Listening
Recently, I had a conversation with my mum that reminded me just how easy it is to hear words without truly hearing the message behind them.
She was so excited to show me a new granola she’d found, the one with the least sugar she could find on the shelves. She explained how despite months of looking, she still couldn’t find a granola or muesli with no added sugar at all, because every box she picked up seemed to contain some. This one though, had the lowest sugar content she’d managed to find, and she was genuinely really pleased with her discovery.
I immediately jumped into “fixer mode”. I explained that granola is naturally a sweeter cereal, so she’s unlikely to find one completely sugar-free. I told her after months of searching myself I had found a few mueslis that don’t contain any added sugar, just the natural sweetness from dried dates. I wanted her to know there were options and that I could help.
But as I spoke, she kept repeating how long she’d been looking and how happy she was to have found this low-sugar granola. The more I tried to share my suggestions, the less she seemed to hear me. At the time, I couldn’t understand why. I was trying to be helpful by sharing the solution to her problem.
The next morning, as I told my husband about the exchange and began reflecting on what happened, it suddenly hit me: I had heard her words, but I hadn’t heard the message behind them. She wasn’t asking me to solve her problem or find a sugar-free cereal. What she really wanted was acknowledgment. She wanted recognition of her effort in finding a healthier option, and appreciation for the care she was taking with making healthier food choices.
She didn’t need me to solve anything. She simply wanted to be seen, heard, and celebrated.
This realisation swept over me like a sudden gust of wind. As a wellbeing coach, I practise deep, active listening in my work with women all the time, truly hearing them, holding space for them, and collaborating as they find their own conclusions. Often, we explore emotional listening and communication in their relationships, learning how to hold space for one another rather than rushing to fix.
Yet, in this simple conversation with my mum, I’d stepped out of that space and slipped straight back into the familiar habit of fixing - something so many of us do without realising. Why? Because she’s family. Because she’s my mum. Because I care deeply about her wellbeing. And when it comes to the people we love most, our desire to help is strong, so our instinct to fix and solve can quietly override our ability to really listen.
Our ability to self-reflect is a hugely valuable tool. Reflecting on this conversation reminded me of something deeply important: even with family, sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is listen; not to respond, not to solve, but to truly hear the message behind the words.
Emotional listening is an active practice. It’s about noticing the pride, the effort, the joy, or even the frustration behind what’s being said. When we only listen for what we can fix, we miss the heart of the conversation.
The moral of this story is simple. next time you find yourself in a conversation with someone, before you jump in to offer advice or a solution, pause. Ask yourself, “What’s the message they’re really trying to share?” “What lies behind the words?” “What do they need from me in this moment?”.
Often, people don’t need us to fix anything. They need acknowledgment, to feel heard and understood, and a moment of genuine connection.
So the next time my mum shows me a new granola or talks about her search for a sugar-free cereal, I’ll remember to smile, nod, and simply say, “Well done - you found one!” Because sometimes, that’s exactly the support someone needs.
If you’ve read this and it resonates with you, or perhaps with someone you know, I’d love to hear from you. You can drop me an email or book a call. Sometimes, all we need is a quiet, reflective space to explore our communication habits and find new ways to truly listen, both to ourselves and to others. I’d love to help you create that space.
