Hearing the Message Behind the Words: A Guide to Emotional Listening
It’s surprisingly easy to hear someone’s words without truly hearing what they’re trying to say. Recently, I was reminded of this during a simple conversation with someone close to me. They were excited to show me a new granola they’d found - the lowest sugar option they’d managed to find after months of searching supermarket shelves. They explained how difficult it had been to find anything without added sugar and how pleased they felt with this discovery of a lower sugar option. Almost instantly, I slipped into “fixer mode”. Why? Because she was close to me, I cared about her wellbeing and I wanted the best for her.
I shared that after months of searching myself, I’d actually found a few with no added sugar at all, just natural sweetness from dried fruit. I wanted to be helpful. I wanted to offer solutions. But as I spoke, she kept repeating how long she’d been looking and how happy she was with what she’d found. The more I tried to help, the less connected the conversation felt. At the time, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t listening to me. Why she wasn’t interested to find out more about the options I was referring to. I had a solution for her, yet she wasn’t interested in it. It wasn’t until the next morning, as I reflected on the exchange and my emotions from that moment had settled, that the realisation landed.
I had heard her words, but I hadn’t heard the message behind them.
She wasn’t asking me to solve a problem. What she really wanted was acknowledgment; to have her effort seen, her care for her health recognised and her achievement in finding a low sugar option celebrated. She didn’t need her problem fixing. She didn’t need a solution, or a better option. She simply needed to feel heard.
What is emotional listening?
Emotional listening goes beyond simply taking in the words and information someone is sharing. It’s the practice of listening for meaning, emotion and intention, rather than listening for where we can offer advice or solutions. Instead of asking ourselves, “How do I fix this?” we become curious and ask, “What is this person really sharing with me?” Emotional listening is about noticing what sits behind the words; the pride in an achievement, the effort that’s gone unseen, the vulnerability in sharing something personal, the joy of a small win, or the frustration of feeling stuck. These emotional cues are often subtle, but can be noticed in tone, repetition, body language or the way a story is told. When we tune into them, we begin to understand the fuller picture of someone’s experience.
When we emotionally listen, we’re not rehearsing our response or planning what to say next. We’re not mentally comparing their experience to our own or jumping ahead in our own minds to advice or solve. We’re fully present with the person in front of us, offering our full attention without judgement or interruption. This kind of presence communicates safety and respect, allowing the other person to feel held in the conversation. It allows someone’s experience to exist exactly as it is, without needing to be corrected, improved or analysed. This kind of listening builds a silent trust and connection and says to the person talking that their feelings are valid just as they are. At its heart, emotional listening is an act of care. It says, “Your experience matters enough for me to slow down and be here with you”, and often this simple act of presence is what makes people feel most understood.
Why feeling heard matters
Feeling heard is a fundamental human need. When someone feels truly listened to, they feel valued, respected and understood. It tells their nervous system they are safe and their inner world matters. This sense of safety deepens our connections and paves the way for trust to grow within our relationships. More often than not, people aren’t looking for answers or solutions. They’re not asking us to fix their problem, analyse it or offer our own ideas. What they’re really seeking is acknowledgment, to know that their experience makes sense, their feelings are valid and that they don’t have to justify or explain themselves. Being heard can be profoundly reassuring, especially when we feel vulnerable or uncertain. When we rush to fix, advise or correct someone’s experience, even with the kindest intentions, we can unintentionally minimise what they’re sharing. We take away the ownership of what they are experiencing and we ignore the feelings and emotions that lay underneath. This can leave people feeling unheard, dismissed or misunderstood, which can show up as resentment, frustration or emotional withdrawal.
In contrast, when we truly hear someone, we offer something far more powerful than advice. We offer space, acceptance and acknowledgment. It’s as though we’re communicating to them without words, “I see you, I acknowledge your experience and I accept it for what it is.” This alone can be deeply regulating and comforting, helping them feel less alone in what they’re carrying and more confident in their own inner knowing. Being heard doesn’t mean we agree with everything someone says, nor does it mean we have to fix or resolve anything in that moment. It simply means we’re willing to meet them where they are, without moving them to be somewhere else.
Hearing the message behind the words
Hearing the message behind the words requires us to slow down, not just in how quickly we respond, but in how we listen. When we pause and shift our attention from pre-empting solutions and “fixing”, we create space to notice what might otherwise be missed. In my conversation described at the beginning of this article, the surface message was about granola and sugar content, yet the deeper underlying message was about pride, persistence and care. She wanted recognition for the time and energy she’d invested in making healthier choices and was seeking shared celebration in the achievement of finding a low sugar option, something which felt like a win. By offering an alternative and a solution, I unintentionally took that win away from her, denying her feelings of pride and achievement. When we only listen to the literal content of what’s being said, we respond to the topic rather than the emotion behind it. Emotional listening helps us to hear the undertones of the message, the emotions, the feelings and what the person is really sharing with us. This doesn’t always come naturally and it can take time, conscious effort and practice. But the impact of doing so can be profound for our connections, relationships and the way we communicate.
How to be an actively present listener
Being an actively present listener doesn’t mean you never offer advice. It means you’re intentional about when and whether it’s needed. There will be times when the other person is looking for your opinion, a helping hand or some friendly advice, and there will be times when they simply need to feel heard as they are. The key to a healthy exchange is recognising the difference. To hear the message beneath the words, it can help to ask yourself:
What emotion is being expressed here?
What effort or intention might be sitting underneath this?
Are they sharing information, or are they sharing an experience?
Are they looking to exchange facts, or are they inviting connection and seeking the comfort of feeling heard?
Once you’ve grasped this, show you understand the underlying need by:
Reflecting back what you hear: “You sound really pleased with that”
Acknowledging effort: “You’ve put so much thought into this”
Asking open questions: “How did it feel to finally find one?”
And sometimes simply offering validation without anything else is all that’s needed:
“That makes sense”
“I can see why you’d feel proud of that”
These reflections, questions and responses move us away from automatically responding and towards intentional presence. They remind us that many conversations aren’t about problem-solving at all, but about being validated and seen. Often what’s being communicated emotionally is far more important than the literal details of the conversation, and when we can tune into that deeper layer our responses naturally adjust. We become less focused on offering solutions and more focused on offering understanding because we sense what is required of us. This allows us to meet people where they are, and nothing more, which is often exactly where they need us to be.
Presence is often more supportive than problem-solving.
A reminder for us all
As a wellbeing coach, I practise deep listening every day in my client work, yet in an every day conversation with someone I love, I slipped back into “fixing” without noticing. That in itself was a powerful reminder for me: emotional listening is a practice, not a destination. It’s especially hard with those closest to us because our desire to help can be strong and override our ability to truly hear the message behind the words. My invitation to you is simple. Next time you feel the urge to offer advice solve their problem or fix it, pause and ask yourself:
What is the message beneath the words?
What do they need from me in this moment?
Is it a solution or is it connection and validation?
People don’t always need us to fix their stories. Acknowledgment, understanding and a moment of genuine connection is often all they seek. So the next time this person shows me a new granola or talks about her search for healthier options, I’ll remember to smile, nod and simply say, “Well done, you found one!” Because sometimes, that’s exactly the support someone needs.
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If this resonated with you and you’re curious to explore communication within your own relationships, I’d love to hear from you. Get in touch to find out how we can work through this together. And if you know someone who might benefit, feel free to share this article with them.
