The Most Important Lesson I Want My Son to Learn: Love Yourself First
The other night, I had one of those quiet, heart warming moments with my 8 year old son. We were lying in bed after a tough day. He’d been trying so hard to master something new and it just wasn’t going the way he wanted. His little face was sad, tears sat at the corners of his eyes and in a small voice he said, “I’m just not very good at anything.”
It broke my heart to hear those words. As his mother, I know they aren’t true. I see how he approaches challenges with such persistence and determination. I witness his daily wins, the small, remarkable achievements he might not even notice, and I get to share in the joy when he masters something he’s proud of.
But in moments of struggle, our minds can play tricks on us. It’s so easy for our brain to tell a story that doesn’t reflect reality, to generalise, assume, and respond with harsh self-criticism. When our inner critic gets loud, it shapes how we experience the moment. We start to spiral, catastrophise, feel hopeless, or believe we’re simply not good enough.
But there is another way. If we learn to meet those thoughts with compassion, to gently challenge the story our mind is telling us, we begin to see things more clearly. We can respond with more kindness and balance, and over time we start to rewrite the script.
I wrapped my arms around him as we shared this moment of vulnerability. I told him that I’ve had these thoughts too - the “I’m not good enoughs”, the “I should be better”, and felt the heavy pressure we put on ourselves to get it right all the time. But to hear it from my child so young was a reminder of just how early these beliefs can take root.
So, I asked him a question: “What would you say to your best friend in this moment?” His reply: “I’d tell them it’s okay and they can try again.” I was glad that even in his moment of upset he still recognised what it meant to respond with kindness. When I asked, “So why don’t you speak to yourself that way too?”, I could see it land, like something he’d never considered, as if I’d just opened a door he didn’t know was there.
We talked about how struggling doesn’t mean failing - it often means you're learning, and that you care enough to try. Sometimes we need to fail before we can grow, that’s how learning works, and it’s okay to find things hard - everyone does, even grown-ups.
As we talked, I watched his face begin to soften. He looked a little lighter, as though my words had reassured him that what he was feeling was a normal part of being human. It was as if he felt seen, validated, and perhaps even relieved to finally have the language and understanding to make sense of something so emotionally big.
I explained that what matters more than getting it right straight away is how we speak to ourselves when we don’t. Do we allow our inner critic to beat us up and call us names, or can we take a breath, place a hand on our heart and say,"That was hard, but I’m trying, and I’m still a good person.”
Self-compassion isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook or pretending things don’t matter. It’s about having our own back, especially when things feel hard or uncertain. It’s about being the kind of friend to ourselves that we are to others.
As our conversation came to an end, his held me close and with a smile said “I love you mummy”. Those four words spoke a thousand things. He’d understood what I’d shared, he’d found comfort in the message, and most of all, he felt heard, seen, and deeply loved.
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We all have an inner voice, and for so many of us, especially as adults, that voice is harsh, unkind and full of judgment. But it starts young. The world teaches our children to strive, to perform, to win, but not nearly enough about how failing is part of succeeding, resting is essential to recharge our batteries, and self compassion is absolutely vital to caring for their emotional wellbeing.
My husband and I remind our two boys of this daily. We remind them to treat themselves with kindness, that failure is part of success, that finding things hard is okay. We remind them they are always enough, and this isn’t dependant on what they do or how well they do it. No matter what path my children take and what life throws at them, this one lesson of self-kindness, self-love, and self-compassion will be the most important tool they’ll ever carry.
If this resonates with you and your inner critic often feels loud, book a call and let’s gently begin the journey of bringing more self-compassion into your life. You deserve to feel supported, understood, and kinder to yourself - especially in the moments that feel hardest.
