The Most Important Lesson Our Children Can Learn: Love Yourself First
Not long ago, I witnessed a heartwarming moment between a child and their parent. The child, frustrated after trying so hard to master something new, broke down in tears and said softly, “I’m just not very good at anything.”
It was heartbreaking to hear. From the outside, it was clear how untrue those words were. This child approached challenges with persistence and determination, achieving small wins every day that they probably didn’t even notice. Yet, in that moment of struggle their inner critic spoke louder than reality. What struck me was just how early these beliefs can take root.
In moments of struggle, our minds can play tricks on us. It’s so easy for our brain to tell a story that doesn’t reflect reality, to generalise, assume, and respond with harsh self-criticism. When our inner critic gets loud, it shapes how we experience the moment. We start to spiral, catastrophise, feel hopeless, or believe we’re simply not good enough.
But there is another way. If we learn to meet those thoughts with compassion, to gently challenge the story our mind is telling us, we begin to see things more clearly. We can respond with more kindness and balance, and over time we start to rewrite the script.
In this moment, the parent asked the child: “What would you say to your best friend if they were feeling this way?” Without hesitation, the child replied, “I’d tell them it’s okay, and they can try again.” Even through tears, they knew what kindness looked like. But when asked, “So why don’t you speak to yourself like that too?” , it was as if a lightbulb flicked on. A new idea. A door they didn’t know was there.
Struggling doesn’t mean failing - it often means you're learning, and that you care enough to try. Sometimes we need to fail before we can grow, that’s how learning works, and it’s okay to find things hard - everyone does, even grown-ups.
As the conversation unfolded, I watched the child’s face begin to soften. They looked a little lighter, as though their parent’s words had reassured them that what they were feeling was a normal part of being human. It was as if they felt seen, validated, and perhaps even relieved to finally have the language and understanding to make sense of something so emotionally big.
What matters more than getting it right straight away is how we speak to ourselves when we don’t. Do we allow our inner critic to beat us up and call us names, or can we take a breath, place a hand on our heart and say,"That was hard, but I’m trying, and I’m still enough.”
Self-compassion isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook or pretending things don’t matter. It’s about having our own back, especially when things feel hard or uncertain. It’s about being the kind of friend to ourselves that we are to others.
As the conversation came to an end, the two of them held each other and the child said “I love you mummy”. Those four words spoke a thousand things. He’d understood what was shared, he’d found comfort in the message, and most of all, he felt heard, seen, and deeply loved.
———
We all have an inner voice, and for so many of us, especially as adults, that voice is harsh, unkind and full of judgment. But it starts young. The world teaches our children to strive, to perform, to win, but not nearly enough about how failing is part of succeeding, resting is essential to recharge our batteries, and self compassion is absolutely vital to caring for their emotional wellbeing.
My husband and I remind our two boys of this daily. We remind them to treat themselves with kindness, that failure is part of success, that finding things hard is okay. We remind them they are always enough, and this isn’t dependant on what they do or how well they do it. No matter what path my children take and what life throws at them, this one lesson of self-kindness, self-love, and self-compassion will be the most important tool they’ll ever carry.
If this resonates with you and your inner critic often feels loud, book a call and let’s gently begin the journey of bringing more self-compassion into your life. You deserve to feel supported, understood, and kinder to yourself - especially in the moments that feel hardest.
