The Inner Critic: Understanding the Harsh Voice Inside Us
Most of us have a voice inside our head that isn’t especially kind. It points out our flaws, questions our choices and often speaks in a tone we would never use with someone we love or care about. This is our inner critic! While it may feel personal, it’s not… it’s something we all have. Our inner critic tends to show up when we’re tired, overwhelmed, feeling guilty, trying our best or when theres something we really care about. It can whisper things like, “You should be doing more,” or “Everyone else has this figured out except you”. And sometimes it can even shout things like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You are failing.” Over time, this voice can become so familiar that it feels normal and we start to believe it’s telling the truth. Let’s be clear from the beginning… it isn’t!
Where does the inner critic come from?
Our inner critic isn’t something we’re born with, it develops over time. It is shaped by our childhood, the experiences we live through, the messages we absorb and the societal expectations placed on us from day one. From a young age, many of us internalise comments, comparisons and criticisms from family, teachers, peers and society. We learn what “good” looks like (whatever that measure happens to be), how we should behave, how we should perform (according to who?) and how we should measure up in the world. These early messages about how we ‘should’ be can shape an unhealthy mindset where our self-worth depends on external validation, achievement, approval and perfection. This in itself is problematic.
If you want to explore more about how internal and external validation affects our self-worth, you can read an article I wrote on the topic here: https://www.sophieabell.co.uk/resources/building-self-worth-self-esteem-and-confidence-your-path-to-empowerment
For women and mothers this process can feel especially intense. We are often navigating invisible, unspoken and impossible standards; be calm even when life is chaotic, be capable even when resources are limited, be selfless even when our own needs call for attention, be successful at work and in the home, while also being endlessly nurturing, and crucially, be grateful no matter how challenging your circumstances are. It’s a relentless checklist that never ends and when we fail to meet these impossible ideals our inner critic becomes loud - it’s unkind tone and judgmental lens thriving in the vulnerable space it occupies. It shouts that we must do more, be more and somehow measure up to expectations that are simply unrealistic.
Beneath the harsh voice our inner critic often believes it’s protecting us. Our brains are wired to keep us safe, which is why we naturally have a negativity bias. The inner critic operates from a place of constant vigilance, scanning for threats to shield us from harm. It believes that by keeping us alert, pushing us harder and highlighting our mistakes before anyone else does, it can shield us from rejection, failure or disappointment. In its own way, it thinks it is helping us survive in a world full of judgment and comparison - but protection through such harshness comes at a cost.
The impact of a harsh inner voice
Living with constant self-criticism is exhausting. It chips away at confidence, dulls joy and can leave us feeling like we’re always failing. Even when we achieve something, the inner critic can have something negative to say - “Yes, but you could’ve done better”. You begin to realise that no matter what you achieve or how good you feel about something, your inner voice will always tell you otherwise, dampen your mood and rob you of deserved celebration. The tricky part is that shame, guilt and self-doubt often follow in its wake, adding weight to our inner voice.
Over time, this voice can affect how we show up in the world. We monitor ourselves constantly, feel relentless pressure to perform and experience shame (possibly the most damaging emotion of all). We hesitate to try new things for fear of failing or not being good enough, struggle to rest when we need it without guilt and can feel undeserving of compassion and support as the inner critic chips away at our self-worth. The harshest part is that many of us speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a friend or someone we care about. So why is it acceptable to speak to ourselves in this way? This kind of pressure strains both mind and body, leaving us physically exhausted, mentally depleted, anxious and disconnected from our own intuition and desires.
There is, however, an up side to all this. Once we understand that our inner critic is a product of learned experiences, absorbed narratives and conditioned fears, we can begin to approach it with curiosity instead of shame. We can learn to notice when it arises, recognise its patterns, question its assumptions and crucially, separate its voice from our truth. In doing so, we make room for a kinder, helpful and more compassionate inner voice; one that encourages us, celebrates our efforts and acknowledges our shared humanity.
Why shame feeds our inner critic
I mentioned above that shame is possibly the most damaging emotion we experience, and for good reason. Brené Brown’s research reveals that shame makes us believe that we are the problem. It doesn’t tell us we’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, it tells us we are the something wrong. Unlike guilt, which can guide us towards repair or change, shame goes straight to our sense of self, feeding on the belief that something is inherently wrong with us. It tells us we are flawed, unworthy or not enough as we are. It attacks the very core of who we are. When we believe that we are the problem, not our mistakes, we don’t reach out for support, we don’t speak honestly and we don’t allow ourselves to be seen. Instead we hide, in attempt to protect ourselves from exposure. The thing is, shame thrives in silence. It disconnects us from others and from ourselves, and keeps us stuck in cycles of self-criticism and fear. When we feel shame, growth feels unsafe because exposing ourselves feels too risky. This is why meeting our inner critic with shame only strengthens it.
So if shame feeds our inner critic, what is the antidote? Compassion, curiosity and understanding. These are our biggest allies because they interrupt that cycle and remind us that our struggles and mistakes don’t define our worth - they reflect our shared humanity. When we notice our inner critic with compassion and curiosity, a space opens up for learning and healing. From that space, growth and lasting change become possible.
Noticing the voice, without judging it
Contrary to what many people believe, the first step in changing your relationship with your inner critic isn’t to silence it - it’s to notice it. Notice its presence, the stories it tells, the tone it uses and when it appears. Would you say those words to someone you care about? Pay attention to how it shows up when you’re tired, over-worked or trying something new and unfamiliar, and most importantly, notice it without shame! How often have you criticised yourself for being self-critical? Or told yourself off for judging yourself or speaking to yourself harshly? It’s common amongst us all. But all we are doing here is adding another layer of judgement to an already complex inner world.
As I mentioned earlier, our inner critic isn’t a personal failure - it’s a learned response, shaped by past experiences, expectations and a deep desire to protect us from hurt, rejection or getting things wrong. When we begin to notice our inner critic with curiosity rather than resistance, we create space between us and our inner voice. We view them as two separate things, and we are able to start challenging what it tells us. It becomes something we are aware is there, rather than something we are consumed by.
With this deeper awareness, choice becomes possible. We create space for a different inner voice to emerge - one that is kinder, more compassionate and far more supportive. We gain the ability to pause, question our critic’s narrative and decide whether its voice is helpful or harmful in the moment. We can open perspectives, challenge its assumptions and respond with intention, using the evidence in front of us rather than reacting automatically. Noticing is not passive - it may feel small, but it’s an actionable first step toward reclaiming our power.
Meeting our inner critic with compassion
If meeting our inner critic with curiosity and understanding is so helpful, what does this actually look like in practice Rather than fighting, silencing or ignoring our inner critic, try getting curious.
Ask yourself:
What is this part of me afraid of right now?
What does it think it’s protecting me from?
Where is the evidence it’s true?
What else might be true?
By exploring these questions we often discover that beneath the harshness of our inner voice lies fear, vulnerability or a deep desire to feel safe, accepted and seen. These are universal human instincts and part of what it means to be human. It is something we all share. When we meet that part of ourselves with compassion and understanding instead of criticism, we begin to create space for a softer, kinder and more supportive inner voice. This voice doesn’t ignore challenges or difficulties, but it speaks in a way that encourages growth, balance and self-acceptance.
We might replace our critic with messages like:
I’m doing the best I can today.
This is hard, and that’s okay.
I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.
It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s part of being human.
Over time, consistently responding with curiosity and compassion rewires how we relate to ourselves. We begin to notice when the critic appears, pause before believing it and intentionally choose a voice that supports rather than undermines us. In doing so we reclaim confidence, inner calm and the freedom to live in a way that truly aligns with who we are. Like with so many things., it’s not always easy. It requires practise, patience and consistency. Life itself is a journey and we grow and evolve as we move through it. There is no need to rush and no pressure to get it right all the time. Be patient and trust in your ability to keep moving forward.
Rewriting the relationship with yourself
Our inner voice shapes our inner world and our inner world shapes how we behave and experience life. Learning to speak to ourselves with kindness is deeply courageous and it takes practice. It doesn’t always come naturally. Our life experiences, combined with the brain’s biological wiring for protection, mean that self-criticism is often automatic. It might feel natural to offer kindness towards others, but offering it to ourselves usually requires intentional practice. The good news is that our inner narrative is not fixed, nor is it usually accurate. With awareness, we can begin to rewrite our inner voice with intention and in doing so, improve the relationship we have with ourselves. This is a practice of choosing understanding over judgement, kindness over criticism and compassion over perfection.
Our inner critic won’t disappear entirely. It may still appear, especially in times of stress, uncertainty, fear or vulnerability. But with this deeper awareness it no longer has to be the loudest voice in the room, nor the one we automatically believe. We have the power to move from reacting to responding with intention. Over time, we can build a counter-voice. One that is supportive, balanced and constructive. A voice that offers perspective, challenges distorted thoughts and helps to keep us balanced us when things feel hard. A voice that reminds us we are already enough, not because we do everything right or never make mistakes, but because we are human. By learning to speak to ourselves this way, we don’t just change how we think - we change how we live.
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If you’ve read this and it brings someone to mind, please feel free to share it with them - sometimes knowing we’re not alone is the first step. And if this resonates with you, and you recognise your own inner critic in these words, you’re very welcome to get in touch. You can drop me an email or book a FREE discovery call to explore how coaching works and whether it feels like the right support for you. I’m always open to hearing your reflections and talking about how you might begin to challenge your own inner voice. If it feels right, click the link below and let’s take that first step together.
